Texts From Last Night · zilecarg's Favorites

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zilecarg's Favorites Texts:

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(207): View more from Maine

It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

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(847): View more from Illinois

How was it playing wingman?

(312): View more from Illinois

I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed

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(410): View more from Maryland

Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"

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(631): View more from New York

Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.

(1-631): View more from New York

That's 30 minutes too many.

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(619): View more from California

I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.

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(563): View more from Iowa

He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.

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(530): View more from California

hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back

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(210): View more from Texas

DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES

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(360): View more from Washington

You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".

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(905): View more from Ontario

thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin

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(971): View more from Oregon

you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON

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(302): View more from Delaware

On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.

(509): View more from Washington

you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left

(971): View more from Oregon

goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.

(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."

(410): View more from Maryland

I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.

(712): View more from Iowa

With a fannypack full of drugs.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm drunk at 3:28

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm jealous as shit at 3:34

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(818): View more from California

I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This drive is very scenic

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

And I'm chugging whiskey in the back

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As you should, soak in all this country has to offer

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"

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(224): View more from Illinois

Is it rude if I don't go?

(248): View more from Michigan

No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.

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(425): View more from Washington

My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer

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(707): View more from California

I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day

(408): View more from California

Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry

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(424): View more from California

Update: I may or may not be in a cult

(424): View more from California

Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

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(906): View more from Michigan

We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea

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(858): View more from California

He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you want to do any of that?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.

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(516): View more from New York

Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What happened to my face?

(715): View more from Wisconsin

You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

It was impressive.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I was convinced to buy a man thong.

(614): View more from Ohio

But it's Armani so it's okay.

(614): View more from Ohio

God I just out gayed myself.

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(207): View more from Maine

We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.

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(915): View more from Texas

People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".

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(314): View more from Missouri

He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

i think we need a new approach.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them

(1-616): View more from Michigan

its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you

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(937): View more from Ohio

The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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(514): View more from Quebec

Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of

(514): View more from Quebec

of drugs

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(316): View more from Kansas

She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?

(423): View more from Tennessee

I was emotionally compromised.

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(298): View more from

The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.

(208): View more from Idaho

You're the only meteorologist I listen to.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth

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(707): View more from California

OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(818): View more from California

I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing

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(231): View more from Michigan

Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(616): View more from Michigan

this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.

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(805): View more from California

Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.

(309): View more from Illinois

You rock my world.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.

(770): View more from Georgia

I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome

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(214): View more from Texas

Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

(214): View more from Texas

WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"

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(817): View more from Texas

I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.

(512): View more from Texas

Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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(907): View more from Alaska

I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall

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(219): View more from Indiana

I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo

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(404): View more from Georgia

I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.

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(435): View more from Utah

It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.

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(830): View more from Texas

Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead

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(816): View more from Missouri

Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.

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(925): View more from California

I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.

(415): View more from California

I still don't know how you've lived this long.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?

(701): View more from North Dakota

In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It turns out my teeth are bleeding.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

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(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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(443): View more from Maryland

well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?

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(240): View more from Maryland

ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.

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(213): View more from California

you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say

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(574): View more from Indiana

he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog

(1-574): View more from Indiana

knight in shining armor

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast

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(310): View more from California

My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.

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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying

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(318): View more from Louisiana

There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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(561): View more from Florida

She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(907): View more from Alaska

You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(408): View more from California

do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

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(813): View more from Florida

IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA

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(630): View more from Illinois

And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."

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(315): View more from New York

While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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(347): View more from New York

maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...

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(956): View more from Texas

You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.

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(760): View more from California

It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(406): View more from Montana

He makes me want to shower. It must be love.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Jake bring pizza.

(775): View more from Nevada

JAKE BRING PIZZA.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

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(309): View more from Illinois

You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.

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(727): View more from Florida

please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(571): View more from Virginia

it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"

(575): View more from New Mexico

Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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