My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
