I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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