'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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