It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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