You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
