After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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