First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
