I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
