Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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