I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
