well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
