Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
