you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
