I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
