You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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