like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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