What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
