I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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