I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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