i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
