kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
