Just fell off a train. Bad.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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