return my video game
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
