Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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