My liver just broke up with me...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
