yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
