I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
