I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
