Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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