Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
