god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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