Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
