He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
