do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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