Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
