You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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