hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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