census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I need a burrito and a hug.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
