she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
