Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
