I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
