I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
