She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
