I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
