I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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