There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
