I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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