I accidentally had phone sex last night
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
