Sry I called you an 8
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Randomize
