I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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