At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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