you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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