shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
