I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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