just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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