Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
